Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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