i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
you never un-have a 4some
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
