I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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