he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
