We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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