Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
