he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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