apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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