Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
