i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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