seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
