New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
