Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Randomize
