Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
