dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
