Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
