He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
