I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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