Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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