Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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