nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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