My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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