Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
