Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
