Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
