So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
