I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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