i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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