Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
