I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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