Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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