when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
