This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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