I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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