just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize