And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
