Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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