So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
