I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
