The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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