You just made me feel so damn special
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize