I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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