wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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