Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
