have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
