I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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