I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
