Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
