Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
