her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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