i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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