i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
