We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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