I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
