The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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