You smell like a Billy Joel song
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
