i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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