I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
