I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
