1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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